


in blurs of color

by lanaboke



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Explicit Language, F/M, Illnesses, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28389129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanaboke/pseuds/lanaboke
Summary: iwaizumi never truly realized how much oikawa meant to him, until reuniting years after the fight that ruined their friendship.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	in blurs of color

**Author's Note:**

> enjoy this heart wrenching story i wrote for no reason :)
> 
> inspired by “in another life” by littleluxray
> 
> playlist at @lanaboke on itunes, “in blurs of color — iwaoi”

**part one ; “that day in early june”**

the spiky haired brunette boy kicked the rock, grunting as he kept his hands hidden in the pockets of his black shorts. he grumbled, furrowing his thin blonde eyebrows as he and his mother walked down the empty street next to his mom who had her phone to her ear as she talked to her husband on the phone.

it was a normal day, a warm day in early june. but today, he was meeting someone.

“hajime,” his mother puts her phone to her shoulder, leaning down slightly to speak with her son, “are you excited to meet your new friend?” 

hajime growled, “not really.” 

his mother gave him a grin, “you’ll like him, i promise.” _how was she so sure of that?_

his mother was tall-ish, which caused him to be shorter than the other kids even though his father was well over 6 foot tall. his mother was sweet, but she was stubborn nonetheless.

they continued to walk down the concrete sidewalk, but his mother seemed to be more excited to see her friend than hajime who seemed to be resentful of the fact he was meeting a boy his age, a month younger than him. 

“ma,” hajime said as they approached the apartment building, “i don’t want to go in.” his little hand tugged on her sleeve, but he knew his mother was stubborn. 

she shook her head at him, “no, we’re going.” and she dragged him inside the apartment building, up the stairs to the third floor. apartment 305. his mother knocked on the door, and soon the door opened. a slightly taller (than hajime’s mom), brown haired woman stands there with a grin plastered on her face.

“kana!” she exclaims, “it’s so great to see you.” 

hajime stares with confusion, _didn’t you two see each other yesterday–_

“rio,” kana, iwaizumi’s mother, hugged her, “it’s great to see you, too.” the two pull away from the hug, and rio invites kana and hajime into her apartment. it was a clean apartment, photos hanging on the walls. kana sits down on the couch with rio, and little hajime walks in with his shoulders hunched and his hands still in his pockets.

“oh, dear,” said rio as she turned to him, “he’s in his room, right in there.” rio pointed to a door down the hallway, and hajime nodded, but he gulped. rio goes back to chatting with kana as hajime makes his way down that hallway, to the door at the end. it was cracked open, and the white paint was freshly new, like it was just painted yesterday.

he takes one of his hands out of his shorts’s pocket, placing it on the door gently before taking in a deep breath, preparing himself to meet this new boy he didn’t want to meet in the first place. hajime wasn’t the type to have friends. he didn’t like others.

but the door swung open, pulled in by a slightly shorter boy with wavy brown hair and eyes of the same color. his eyes widened, but he still had this bright smile on his face.

“are you iwaizumi?”

hajime furrowed his eyebrows. “hajime–”

“i’m oikawa!” he reached his hand out for hajime to shake his hand, “my first name is tooru, but i’d like for you to call me oikawa – it sounds better.” he giggled after the last part.

hajime hesitated, but he shook the boy’s hand. “i’m hajime iwaizumi.”

the boy titled his head. “how old are you?” hajime made a weird noise in the back of his throat, caught off guard by the slightly shorter boy – which would make sense why he’d ask that since hajime was taller than him, even by a centimeter or two.

“i’m five,” said hajime, “june 10th, 1994.”

“i was born a month after you!” tooru pouted, crossing his arms, “no fair! i wish i was older – and taller! – and then i could be cooler than you.” he muttered the last part, but it made hajime feel somewhat at ease now. 

hajime chuckled, “don’t worry, i’m sure you’d still end up being cooler than me by the end of the day today,” he said with a grin. tooru lifted his chin and his pout disappeared, and his lips curved into a smile. 

“really?” asks tooru. hajime nods. “yay!” tooru was somewhat adorable, but his energized and outgoing self was a bit too much for hajime. though, it didn’t seem to bother him.

hajime walked past him, looking around the boy’s room. posters of famous volleyball players, possible role models of the boy, were plastered all over the rich blue walls. his bed was against the wall, pointing to the closet that he had just passed. there was this small entrance area to his room, where there were two walls once you first entered the room, but the one on the right was just the wall of the closet that his bed faced. 

there was a tv sitting on his dresser, against the opposite wall where his bed sat. there weren’t many toys, but there were two volleyballs sitting in the corner of the room. 

hajime titled his head. “you seem to like volleyball a lot,” he commented.

tooru nods his head, walking over and grabbing one of the two volleyballs. “mhm, it’s what i want to do when i grow up.”

hajime smiled, but suddenly there were tears streaming down the boy’s face, catching him off guard, causing the older to gasp. 

“i have friends who like volleyball, too,” said tooru, “but they have natural talent,” he sniffled, “and i don’t.” he intakes a quick breath, “but i don’t think i’ll ever be as good as them.”

despite his upbeat personality, he seemed a bit pessimistic. 

hajime hesitated, but he stepped towards him and bent over a bit so tooru could see him as he kept his head faced down. “show me,” said hajime, and tooru gasped, “let me see what your talent is – not theirs.” 

tooru wiped his tears and sniffled again, but he smiled.

the two headed out of the room, “we’re going outside to play, ma!” tooru called out to his mom as the two boys made their way to the front door. 

“alright, dear! remember our rules and have fun!” he heard her call back out before tooru closed the door behind him. hajime raised his eyebrow, _rules?_

the boys headed down the stairs, rather quickly as if someone was chasing them or something, but once they made it down to the ground, tooru tossed the ball to hajime.

“my mom says i’d be a good setter,” said tooru, his face was still red from crying but he was no longer sniffling, “maybe i’d be a good server, too.” he smiled. hajime didn’t smile back.

“then show me,” he said firmly, then he smiled mischievously, “see if i’ve got what it takes to be your number one spiker.” and that really made tooru smile.

hajime tossed the ball into the air, and as tooru positioned himself, he jumped up and called out, “iwa!” and that’s when hajime jumped up and spiked the ball, feeling that adrenaline pass through the both of them. they land onto the ground, panting.

so quick, but so great. 

“how did you know exactly where to set it to?” hajime asks, leaning back up a bit, “did you memorize what those guys on your walls did or are you actually good?”

tooru fiddled with his hands, “i . . . i practice everyday,” and hajime squinted his eyes, “i get my mom to film each time so i could look over and correct any mistakes i make while i practice,” _is he secretly a genius in a five year old’s body?_

“can i help you practice?” hajime asks him, “i’d like to play volleyball, too.”

tooru nods quickly, “of course! you’re a really good spiker, you’ve got natural talent, i can tell!” hajime could hear the pain in his voice. 

the two sat down for a bit, just in silence, admiring the view of the river near the apartment complex where tooru lived. hajime had his legs spread out and he sat up with his arms placed on the ground slightly behind him. tooru sat with his legs crossed, holding the volleyball in his lap.

“your mother said for you to remember your rules when we left the apartment to come down here,” hajime said suddenly, “what did she mean?”

tooru stayed quiet like before. 

“your birthday’s saturday, right?” he was ignoring hajime’s question purposely. “are you having a birthday party?” he seemed uncomfortable with what hajime had asked, and he didn’t want to upset him anymore so he decided to wait until tooru’s ready to talk about it. 

hajime nodded, “yeah, but i don’t really want a birthday party,” he told him.

“aw, why not?” tooru pushed out his bottom lip, “i was hoping i could stop by and bring you a gift,” but hajime scoffed.

“a gift? you just met me.”

tooru scoffed, “so?” he raises his eyebrow, “you’re my friend.”

hajime grunted.

“we just met today.”

“still not a reason for me not to get you a birthday gift,” said tooru with a smirk, “what are you into anyways?”

hajime raised his eyebrow, “what am i into?” tooru nodded. “um,” he couldn’t think of an exact thing that he was into. music? no. games? kinda, but that’s not his favorite thing. and even though he knew a lot about volleyball, it wasn’t exactly his favorite thing either. then he knew.

hajime wasn’t really the type to like many things. he didn’t normally think about the things he liked, or disliked. he didn’t really think much at all. he would act before he thought it all through, even if that was going to ruin his life later.

after a few moments of hard thinking, more than he normally did, he figured it out.

“i like catching things,” he told the younger boy, “whether it be a ball or something small or something big.” he shrugged, “i just,” hajime turns to tooru with a smile plastered on his face, “like to catch things.”

tooru stared at him as his eyes grew large while his pupils danced. hajime’s eyes crinkled as he smiled, showing his nice, white teeth. a slight giggle left the older’s mouth, which just made tooru’s eyes grow even larger. tooru smiled, _so cute_.

“how come?” asks tooru.

hajime shrugged again, “i dunno honestly,” he answered, “i just like the thought of catching. like,” he huffs, “if i told you, i feel like you’d make fun of me.”

tooru shook his head, “oh, i promise i won’t.”

hajime sighed. 

“i don’t know how to explain it well, but when i catch things, it makes me feel good,” he began to explain to the younger, “when i catch things, i feel as if i’m saving it from hitting the ground or maybe if i’m catching bugs, i like to take care of them and raise them as my own sometimes. i dunno,” he shrugs again, “it just makes me feel happy.”

tooru stares at him as hajime stares at the ground. tooru covers his mouth, and stifles his laugh, causing hajime to turn to him with an angry expression.

“you promised you wouldn’t make fun of me!”

tooru shook his head, “i’m not! i’m just laughing!”

“that’s making fun of me!”

“no it’s not,” said tooru, “i’m not making fun of you, hajime!”

“then stop laughing!”

“I CAN’T!” and tooru continued to roar with laughter.

hajime growls, crossing his arms. the laughter of tooru soon dies down with a large sigh, tooru placing his hand on his stomach that hurts a bit from laughing so hard. 

“i’m sorry,” tooru patted hajime’s back, “that just took me off guard a little.”

hajime scoffed, “a little?”

tooru sighed, “okay, a lot – but, i do find it endearing.”

“endearing?” hajime scoffed again, “the heck does that mean?”

“oh,” tooru said, “am i smarter than an older kid?” he smirked.

hajime glared. “watch it, oikawa.”

tooru just smiled, “not a chance, iwaizumi.”

* * *

 **part two: “iwaizumi’s birthday part** y”

hajime groans as he turns onto his stomach, facing away from his mother who stood in the doorway. it was now his birthday. saturday, june 10th, 2000. the day he dreaded the most.

“come on, hajime,” said his mother, “you have guests arriving soon.”

hajime covered his head with his blanket, “no! i don’t wanna!”

the now six year old boy never really was fond of his birthday. it wasn’t his favorite thing, but it was close to being one of his least favorite things. the day just reminded him of his dad too much, and that infuriated him. and what kid would want to be angry on his own birthday?

not hajime.

after a few moments of silence, he shuffles a bit in his bed, waiting until his mother would give up and leave. but then she spoke again.

“your friend, tooru, will be here soon.”

and in just a matter of seconds, hajime was out of his bed and getting dressed for his birthday party that was starting soon. he couldn’t wait to see him. why was that so weird to him?

his mother smiled, and walked away. hajime continued getting ready in his room until he came out with a smile. his older sister each patted his head as they passed by him in the living room. hajime sat on the carpeted floor, a volleyball in his lap with his arms crossed on top. he stared at the door, watching its every move, waiting for the door to open with tooru on the other side, with his birthday present that he never asked for, but still loved because it came from him.

his new friend already cared so much about him, and hajime felt the same way. 

it was so weird for him. surely hajime’s had friends before, despite being only six, but he’s never felt the way about someone like he does about tooru. he was . . . different.

there was a knock at the door, and hajime stood up almost immediately. he ran to the door, almost faceplanting, and pulled the door open, but it was just his aunt and two cousins.

“oh,” hajime’s grin fell, “it’s you guys.”

his aunt furrowed her eyebrows at him. “well, that’s not how you greet someone, you scoundrel,” she hits him on the head as she walks into the house, passing the birthday boy.

hajime grunts, rubbing the spot where she had hit him. “sorry,” he muttered, and closed the front door. 

“can’t you teach your boy some manners?” the aunt remarked to the boy’s mother before she walked off to sit down at the dining table. hajime sat back down on the floor, crossing his legs once again. facing the door with the white volleyball in his lap, his arms wrapped around the ball as he waited for the younger boy to arrive.

an hour then passed. others have arrived, except the boy he was waiting for. and yet hajime had not moved from that spot at all. he sat there like a statue, waiting. 

his mother approached him from behind and kneeled next to him. 

“hajime,” she spoke softly with her hand on his back, “i think it’s time to”

there was a knock at the door, and hajime shot up off the ground. he opened the door, and there stood tooru oikawa. the boy he had been waiting to see. hajime took no hesitation to hug tooru tightly, “i thought you weren’t going to show!” he cried out, and when he pulled away, he sniffled and rubbed his eyes, suddenly acting tough, “i’m glad you showed.”

tooru grins, “sorry, it took me so long, i had trouble wrapping your present.” then he handed the boy the wrapped present. it was poorly wrapped, but then again, he was only five.

hajime held the present in his hands, and all he felt was happiness. 

“it looks great,” said hajime, “though, you could’ve done better on the edges.” 

tooru gives him a blank stare, but he nods and continues on. hajime grabs his hand and brings him to his room. the other kids were outside, all helping with setting up the red and yellow bounce house, but hajime didn’t care. he just wanted to take tooru to his room.

“so this is my room,” hajime said proudly with his hands on his hips. 

the room was a bit messy, the walls were painted navy blue. the bed was a bright red racecar (that totally didn’t match the color of his wall at all), and the bed wasn’t made – the blankets and toys were thrown everywhere, but the pillows were neatly placed at the end where he would lay his head. there were three shelves on the wall, two trophies on each one. 

there were posters of godzilla all over the wall, and there were even more godzilla figurines on the dresser and on the floor. it was a disaster. the complete opposite of tooru’s.

tooru’s eyes were large, taken back from the sight before him. “w-wow, iwa, this is”

“i know it’s messy but,” hajime said as he stepped right in the middle of it, facing his friend with his hands out, “i like it like this,” and he giggled.

tooru smiled, “come on,” he said to him, gesturing for him to follow, “let’s go see your other guests.” and hajime followed tooru out of his bedroom, through the backdoor and outside in the backyard, where everyone else was at. including hajime’s aunt who glared at him.

as the party continued, tooru got to know the other friends of hajime iwaizumi, having a blast while hajime went to go see his mother by the adults’ table, only to be berated by his aunt.

“you need to teach him manners,” his aunt demanded to his mother, “he’s going to end up a bad kid,” but his mother rolled her eyes. 

“he’s just fine,” his mother reassured her sister in a firm tone, “quit being like that.”

her sister took offense, “he’ll end up like his father if you don’t raise him right,” and with a smirk curving on her lips, she walked away with pride. his mother stood there and just sighed.

hajime looked up at her, but stayed quiet.

* * *

“i’ll see you tomorrow, tooru.”

the front door closes and hajime smiles to himself, happy he spent the day with his friends and family, even though a couple just stood there and talked bad about him on his own birthday. he headed into his bedroom, but he had this weird feeling. this urge.

he wanted to clean his room. he saw how tooru looked at him – he found it weird and messy, so he wanted to clean it before he came back over tomorrow.

he turns his tv on, and some godzilla tv show begins to play at a somewhat low volume. he cleans off his dresser and puts his dirty laundry into a basket. he makes his bed and cleans up the figurines, setting them all up on his dresser to show them off. he picked up any pieces of trash and anything else off the floor, and soon, the room was clean. 

hajime smiled proudly, his arms crossed, looking at his now clean room. 

two knocks on his door, hajime turns and sees his mother standing there. 

“hi ma,” hajime greeted her, “do you like my room?” he asks her, reaching his arms out, gesturing for her to look at the now clean bedroom of her son’s. 

she smiles for a moment, but then she frowns. “hajime, i need to talk to you about something.” 

hajime stares at her and nods. “is this about older sis? what did she do now?”

his mother shook her head, “no, no, this isn’t about her,” she then walks to sit on his bed, and hajime sits next to her. “hajime, i’d like to talk about your behavior.”

the boy stared at the floor. “w-what about my b-behavior? i-i thought i was b-better.” his brown eyes were dancing – he was scared, even if there was a slight possibility that what his mother wanted to speak about was bad, but her expression – that’s what made him shiver.

“you are doing better,” she told her son with a soft voice, “but your aunt believes you can do better.”

hajime turned away, “she hates me,” he grumbled, “i don’t understand why you have to care so much about what she thinks. she’s not my mother. you are.” 

those words he spoke to her. he was growing up faster than what she had expected for a boy like him without a father. he was becoming too much like her. 

his mother lowered her eyebrows, and she raised her hand, placing her index finger underneath her son’s chin, her thumb right against his chin as she turned his head to face her.

“you’re a good kid, hajime,” she said to him, “but you’re growing up too fast.”

hajime stared back at her, “is that what you wanted to talk about?” he showed no interest in the conversation between them at that moment, and she sighed.

“yes,” she took her hand away and stood up from the bed, “good night, dear.” and with a slow turn, she walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. 

hajime watched her, but felt nothing. he just turned off his lamp and headed to bed.

* * *

**part three: “in the future”**

hajime really liked recess at school, and each time (from the couple of times he’s been asked) he says that he can’t find the perfect reason why he enjoys it so much. it wasn’t the playground, or the swingset, or the seesaw, the monkey bars, the jungle gym, the sandbox, the merry-go-round – he couldn’t figure out why he loved it so much.

the spiky haired boy was now nine years old. three years had passed, and it was now october in his third year of primary school. he was getting better at volleyball, too. but so was–

“oikawa!” hajime tossed the ball to the other. tooru jumps up slightly to set the ball to hajime and the spiky haired boy spikes it onto the other side of the net. hajime clenched his fist, a smile plastered on his face. “that was a good set,” hajime said to tooru, reaching his fist out.

tooru fist pumps him and grins, “thanks, iwa-chan.”

hajime rolled his eyes, “why must you call me that? i’m older than you, you know.”

tooru shrugged carelessly.

“you’re a pain sometimes.”

“oh, just sometimes?” tooru smirked, “that’s a new record then.”

hajime growled at him, “keep it up, crappy-kawa, and see if i don’t punt your as–”

“alright, kids! time to come back inside!” they all hear the teacher call out from near the door, and the kids run back, while hajime and tooru just walked. their shoulders close, hajime’s hands were buried in his pockets as tooru held the volleyball.

tooru nudged hajime with his elbow, causing the older to look at him. they walked into the building, now in the cold hallways of the school, walking back to the classroom.

“you think we’ll be friends forever?” tooru suddenly asked. it made hajime jump a bit.

the question itself caught hajime off guard. tooru had never asked such a question before, let alone anything about them being friends in the future.

hajime scoffed, “is that even a question?” he asks, and tooru turns to him with moist eyes, as if he was about to cry, “of course we’ll be friends in the future!” and tooru smiled.

* * *

tooru sat down in front of hajime at the lunch table. he had this sour expression on his face, let alone his eyebrows creasing and knitting together in a somewhat saddened way.

hajime glances up from his lunch tray with a raised eyebrow, taking a bite of the rice. “what’s wrong?” he asks, his voice muffled a bit from how his mouth was full with rice.

tooru looked up at him with puppy-like eyes. “nothing,” he answered.

hajime swallowed his bite, and then scoffed. 

“something’s wrong, so tell me.”

“it’s nothing,” said tooru again, “i’m just tired.”

but hajime sighed and just continued on talking with the other, moving passed tooru’s obvious sadness, though hajime knew he could do nothing about it than accept tooru not wanting to talk about it with him. even if it did slightly piss him off.

on the way home that day, tooru’s expression didn’t change much, if at all. 

his small hands gripped his backpack straps, his chin was lowered to his chest. hajime turned to tooru, and with a slight nudge, he got tooru’s attention.

“i don’t exactly know what’s going on,” said hajime, “but i’m here for you, okay?” he gave tooru a gentle smile, and the younger one slowly smiled back at him.

“okay,” tooru nodded, and hajime wrapped his arm around tooru’s shoulder, and they walked together like that until they arrived home.

they arrived at tooru’s home first. hajime and tooru stood in front of the apartment door. hajime reached his fist out and smiled. but tooru stared at him.

“are you sure we’ll stay friends?”

hajime’s smile dropped for a moment, but he nods, stretching his arm out a bit more. 

“of course,” hajime grinned, “we’ll be friends now, and we’ll be friends in the future, too.” and tooru smiled back, raising his own fist to fist bump the other.

but he never said forever.

* * *

**part four: “the change”**

“come on, it’s our first day!”

“i don’t want to go, tooru.”

hajime stood at his front door, gripping the doorknob with his hand as he stared at tooru with a blank expression and tired eyes. it was their first day of middle school, and hajime didn’t want to go at all. all he wanted to do was sleep all day. 

tooru grumbled. 

“i don’t care!” he exclaimed, “let’s go!”

hajime groans, “fine.” and he walks off to his bedroom, letting tooru enter the house and follow him into the boy’s bedroom.

the boy takes off his shirt and pants to get dressed for school – as he was just wearing pajamas. tooru sat on his bed quietly, waiting for hajime. 

“you ready?” 

tooru perked his head up and saw hajime staring at him. a loose black t-shirt with a white godzilla on it with some brown shorts. 

tooru nodded, “mhm.”

the two headed off to their new middle school. hajime hated the thought of it, while tooru seemed excited as he was skipping along next to the other boy.

“would you stop skipping?” hajime remarks, “you’re too excited over some dumb school.”

“ha ha,” tooru mocked his friend, “i just think it’ll be fun! i could finally join a real volleyball team and become the greatest volleyball player ever!”

for a boy with no natural talent, he was definitely a determined kid.

it just made hajime laugh.

“oh, boy. you’re something else, aren’t you?”

tooru smirked, “you’ve known me for what? six years? and you’re just now realizing that?” he clicked his tongue at the older boy, earning a slight aggravated look from him.

“whatever, oikawa,” and tooru looked at him with a weird, confused expression. 

he hummed to himself but shrugged it off and they continued off to their first day.

by the time first period ended, hajime was exhausted and wanted to go home. his regret of coming to school that day was getting worse, and he made sure tooru knew who was to blame for his misery. which was him, of course.

“you’ll be fine, hajime.”

“shut it, crappykawa, you don’t know how it feels to want to sleep in but your friend wakes up and makes you come to school– the only place i’d like to not be right now.” hajime somewhat shouted at the younger, but it had no effect on him – it just made him cocky.

“whatever,” tooru patted the older’s shoulder, “you’ll be fine. see you in fifth!” and he skipped away, even though it was embarrassingly to skip through a school hallway, surrounded by people – just thinking about it made hajime shiver.

being surrounded by so many people, it made him panic. was he claustrophobic? no, he couldn’t be. he was just fine when it came to his family that would surround him, so why was he panicking in that hallway? it was just full of students and occasionally teachers.

he was shaking – chills going down his spine. what was going on?

he was having trouble breathing – was he dying? what the hell was happening to him? 

what if he dies? out of nowhere? what if he leaves toor–

“hey, are you okay?”

hajime snaps out of his thoughts when a hand is placed on his shoulder. his pupils were small and they were dancing as he stared at the small person who stood next to him. it was a girl with short brown hair and chocolate eyes. she was chubby and small. she looked like a doll.

“you’re shaking – is something wrong?” she asked him quietly. her voice was like a cry of an expiring mouse. it was soft spoken and quiet. she had such a delicate tone, too.

“i-i’m n-not sure.” hajime choked out – why was it so hard to speak all the sudden?

the girl grabbed his shirt on his side and pulls him somewhere. he follows, but he’s not sure he should be. he didn’t know her – at all.

soon they arrived at the stairs. it was empty and she continued to lead him down. she stops and ushers him to sit down next to her on the empty staircase. the bell rang and everyone was in class now, except them.

“i know you don’t know me but,” the girl turned to him, “tell me what’s wrong.”

hajime stared at her. “why? isn’t it your first day, too?” he questioned, “you have responsibilities like i do – we’re supposed to be in class.”

the girl sighed, “i want to help you. you turned pale and were shaking. i got worried, and i know we don’t even know each other’s names, but i’d like to help you.” 

hajime shifted his eyes, “alright.”

“so tell me what’s been bothering you? why are you shaking like it’s winter?” she asked.

“well, i’m actually not sure.” hajime admitted, “my friend was skipping through the hallway and i thought it was embarrassing to do that in a hallway full of people and then i started having this weird shaking thing happening to me–” hajime was never good with words, “–and i know i can’t be claustrophobic because i’m used to people being constantly around me and being in small spaces, but i was shaking and i didn’t understand why. then you talked to me.”

the girl nodded, “ah, i see,” she turned to him, “you were having an anxiety attack, and as you’re still shaking – it means it hasn’t stopped yet.” she thinks for a moment, “i’m not sure how to calm you down, but we could talk about what may have caused it to happen.”

hajime looked down at the steps where they sat. his knees were bent and close to his chest, but his arms sat on their knees and his hands hung down carelessly.

“i’m not claustrophobic, but was it something about my friend?”

“about your friend doing something embarrassing?” the girl raised her small eyebrow, “i don’t think it works like that, unless you were thinking about something bad happening to them because they did whatever they were doing at the time.” she explained to the taller boy.

hajime shook his head, “no i didn’t.” so it wasn’t because of tooru.

“what made it worse?” 

he let out a quick, quiet gasp. “huh?”

“your anxiety attack, your shaking – what made it worse?” the girl asked him.

hajime shrugged, “i think . . . it was when i started thinking that i was dying and that if i did, that meant i’d have to leave my friend behind.” he answered her.

“was it the fact you were surrounded by people that made you have an anxiety attack?” the girl tilted her head, “people who don’t know you and who you don’t know – it scared you?”

it was like she had hit the bullseye on exactly what he felt.

“y-yeah,” hajime nodded slowly, “that’s it.”

the girl smiled at him. “don’t worry, most of the people here are nice, though some are jerks and will probably piss you off.” she told him.

hajime chuckled, though he was still shaking. “thank you.”

the girl placed her hand on hajime’s head and rubbed his head as she smiled at him, “no problem, spiky hair.” hajime laughed, and the girl took her hand off of his head and placed it on his own hand. they continued to talk, not even realizing their hands were placed on top of each other’s, let alone that just the touch from her hand had gotten him to stop shaking.

* * *

“don’t be like that, oikawa.”

tooru pouted, crossing his arms. “you met a girl and you didn’t even tell me for a week!” he exclaimed. hajime just rolled his eyes.

“quit being like that, oikawa – i don’t even know her name.” 

suddenly tooru stood in front of him and leaned close to his face, causing the older’s face to go red as the younger furrowed his eyebrow and stared angrily at him. 

“you met a girl who helped you with your anxiety attack a week ago and you didn’t even tell me!” tooru yelled at him, “and you don’t even know her name!”

hajime shrugged, “we’re acquaintances. could you please calm the hell down?”

tooru scoffed, leaning back up. “you’re an asshole.”

“says you, shittykawa.” hajime commented.

“oh now it’s shittykawa? i thought it was crappy-kawa.” tooru remarked at him.

“oh,” hajime raised his eyebrows and tilted his head, “you want it to be trashykawa, too?”

tooru pouted, “now you’re just being mean.”

and hajime laughed.

* * *

**part five: “the hurtful turn of events”**

hajime sat up from his alarm clock ringing at 7am sharp that morning. he groaned and slammed his fist onto the alarm clock, shutting it up before laying back down abruptly and going back to sleep.

his phone begins to ding repeatedly – he was getting a call, yet he chose to ignore it.

it was the first day back from christmas break – and of course, he didn’t want to go. school was never hajime’s thing. he hated it, to say the least. but the only actual reason he still goes is to make his mother proud.

by now, his mother had grown weak and ill. hajime urged his mother to go to the hospital, but each time, she refused. she was a stubborn woman, just like hajime.

suddenly there was a thump on his window. he sat up almost immediately, crawling off his bed and stepped over to the window. he unlocked it and looked out. 

he growled, “aye!” he exclaimed, “did you just throw a rock at my window?”

there stood tooru oikawa with his hands on his hips, dressed in his uniform to go back to high school after christmas break had now finished. 

“come on,” said tooru, “you’ll end up getting detention on the first day back.”

hajime let out a laugh, scoffing as he shook his head. his hands gripped the windowsill, looking at the other boy standing there with a grin plastered on his face.

“what’s so great about school, eh?” hajime teased, “i don’t really see much greatness in a building we’re forced to go to just to learn about shit we’ll probably never use in the future.”

tooru stood with widespread feet and crossed arms, smirking. “oh, shut your yap and get ready. we have practice today after school, too,” and he walked away, heading towards the front of the house. 

hajime sighed, shook his head once, and turned away from the window to get ready. 

* * *

it was the day of the last pep rally of their third-year. it was close to their graduation of high school, in order to go off to college and officially start their adult lives. hajime sat on the bleachers alone, waiting for the other to arrive – though he didn’t really care if he came or not at this point. the last few months, they had been terrible for the two. 

the practices after school were even worse since the two were on the same team and were the most important duo on the team. 

the duo argued constantly. it had gotten to the point where the two argued almost every time they were together, even if others were around. hajime was always berating tooru for stupid things, even if it wasn’t even the younger’s fault. tooru was ending up to be a bad person, or so hajime thought. his corrupted mind made him think tooru was hurting him, that he was a toxic person trying to ruin his life. but he wasn’t at all. hajime shook his head just thinking about it.

it didn’t cross his mind once that he was becoming like his father.

tooru soon approached and sat down next to hajime on the bleachers as the other students took their own seats on the large bleachers. his cheeks were red, and his eyes were even more red. his nose was puffy and he seemed off. he didn’t seem like himself.

“were you crying?” asked hajime in a deep voice, causing tooru to jump slightly. 

“why should you care?” he asked, “it’s not like you tolerate me anymore.”

hajime guffawed, and tooru turned to him with furrowed eyebrows, a confused expression on his face as he stared at him.

“you’re a fucking joke.”

tooru gasped.

“you’re always doing this shit, oikawa.” he remarked, “you always gaslight me and manipulate me into feeling like i’m the bad guy when you’re the one who started this shit!”

there were other students staring at them now, but hajime continued yelling.

“you’re a toxic, manipulating person, oikawa.” he told him, “go fucking die for all i care.”

hajime stood up and left the bleachers, his hands in the pockets of his khakis. his head was pounding – he could hear everyone talking about him. the little hairs on the back of his neck stood up, he felt the stares by the people he passed by. he walked back into the school, heading into one of the bathroom stalls. he slammed it closed and locked it. 

he sits down on the closed toilet seat, his hands on his face as tears fall from the corner of his eyes.

he had just lost his best friend. the only person he had ever truly cared about – and yet, he was dumb enough to lose him. just like that. as if they had just met weeks ago, but now, he had just thrown years of friendship away because of something his own stupid mind made up.

he’ll forever regret that, but at that moment, he couldn’t take it all back.

he had to stay away from him.

for tooru’s sake.

* * *

**part six: “not much a college fan”**

hajime turns the wheel to the left, driving to the only good university in the miyagi prefecture. it was an easy drive from his house, which was his mother’s who he lived with so he could save up money to get his own place. 

actually, he never really wanted to go to college in the first place. his mother encouraged him to, and it was the least he could do for her. he loved his mother dearly, but his aunt still had high expectations for him even though he wasn’t her child to worry about. his mother was still ill, but she was better now. 

it had now been three months since the pep rally fight between him and tooru. no contact since, and hajime had tried so hard to forget about the younger male, but he couldn’t.

“here we fuckin’ are.” 

hajime stepped on the brakes as he came to a stop, parking into some spot in the parking lot for the dormitories. he stepped out of his car and grabbed his suitcases, then he locked the car and headed to the dormitories. it was a nice day outside, even though he hated it.

once he made it up to his dorm, he unpacked and hung out after getting everything situated. he had a roommate, but had no idea who it was, not even their name. 

after an hour, there’s a knock on the open door and there stands his roommate. it was a tall, almost intimidating guy with dark olive colored hair who seemed to tower over everything. he had a muscular build and narrow eyes that were the color of olives, similar to his hair. 

hajime stared, “hello,” he sat up from his bed, “my name is iwaizumi hajime.”

he reached his hand out, and the tall male shook it. 

“my name is ushijima wakatoshi,” the guy’s voice was deep and terrifying. his posture was straight, not even hunching over at all. 

hajime nodded, “you’re a first year, too?” and wakatoshi nods his head as well. “where are you from?” he assumed from the way the taller male was dressed and looked, he must be from somewhere outside of the miyagi prefecture – but he was wrong.

“i’m from here in the miyagi prefecture,” wakatoshi walked over and set his suitcases on the bed, “i figure you are as well.” his back faced hajime as he began to unpack his suitcases, letting hajime get a good look at how broad his new roommate was, unintentionally.

hajime gulped, “yes, i am.”

“what school did you come from?”

“aoba johsai.” hajime answered.

wakatoshi raised his eyebrow.

“aoba johsai?” he repeated, “isn’t that a private school?” wakatoshi questioned, taking his neatly folded clothes out one of his suitcases. his clothes seemed to just consist of large sweaters and khakis. decent style at least.

hajime glanced over to the wall where his framed teal and white jersey hung proudly. 

“yeah, it is.” 

wakatoshi nods.

“i’m from shiratorizawa,” he told the shorter male, “and i believe we were up against each other once,” wakatoshi turned around to face hajime, “it was sometime before nationals.”

hajime’s eyes widened – he remembered who wakatoshi was.

_“oikawa of aoba johsai,”_

_tooru stood there, frozen. he knew that voice too well._

_tooru, who stood next to hajime, turned around and looked at wakatoshi. “oh, ushijima of shiratorizawa,” tooru’s eyes were red from crying so hard just minutes before. it was the day they lost to karasuno, the day tooru knew he wouldn’t be able to go to nationals._

_“i do not understand why you are so upset,”_

_hajime’s eyes widened slightly._

_“you knew aoba johsai wasn’t the best when it came to volleyball, yet you had the chance to come to shiratorizawa where you’d be able to go to nationals.” wakatoshi was stern, blunt as he spoke his every thought – prompts why everyone saw him as rude._

_tooru scoffed, “doesn’t matter. it’s in the past now, and we both know we can’t change it.”_

_wakatoshi shook his head and slightly clenched his fists._

_“you feel worthless, don’t you?” and tooru gasped, “like you’ll never be as good as the others?” wakatoshi lowered his head for a moment before raising it back to look at tooru with that same stern expression, “in the end, you’d be better if you had came to shiratorizawa.”_

“you are close with oikawa,” wakatoshi said, “am i correct?” 

hajime’s eyebrows furrowed, turning away. “was.” 

wakatoshi hummed, “ah, i see.” 

with one hand, wakatoshi grabbed his stack of clothes and walked over to his dresser, and with the unoccupied hands, he pulled the dresser drawers open to place his clothes inside.

hajime sighed, and looked off somewhere. “did you know tooru well?”

wakatoshi shook his head, “no, but we have talked a few times before.”

“you have?” hajime tilted his head, “wow, i just thought you two didn’t like each other.”

“the last time we talked was about a month ago.” wakatoshi said, and hajime turned to him almost immediately. he’s talked to tooru? recently?

“wait, you’ve spoken to tooru?” hajime asked, “how was he–”

“ushijima!”

there stood a bright red haired boy at the door, his arms raised high to the ceiling as he had this huge smile curved on his face. his eyes were crinkled, but he opened them and lowered his arms and noticed hajime sitting there on his bed.

“oh, hi,” the tall boy greeted him, quickly walking over to him, “are you ushiwaka’s roommate? you look a bit older than i thought you’d be. were you held back?” he talks fast.

hajime shook his head, “n-no, i’m eighteen years old and i’m a first year like wakatoshi.”

the bright haired boy laughs, “oh, you can call him ushijima if you’d like. it’s better than ole wakatoshi, right?” he looked to wakatoshi who silently nodded in agreement. 

hajime clears his throat, “are you his friend?”

“mhm!” the bright haired boy reached his hand out – his hands were huge and yet slender. “my name is satori tendou. i’m ushijima’s best friend.”

hajime shook his head, “i’m iwaizumi hajime.”

satori smiles, “nice name. say, do you have your own best friend?”

hajime lowered his head, “n-no.”

“he lost his best friend a couple months ago,” wakatoshi told satori, earning a shocked look from hajime. he really did speak his every thought, huh?

satori frowned, “damn, sorry to hear that,” he reached into his pocket and offered a piece of gum to him, “you want some gum?”

hajime didn’t know what to say, so he nodded shortly and took the piece of gum, unwrapping it and placing it into his mouth. satori grinned at him, then turned to his friend.

“let’s go out somewhere,” satori looked over to hajime, “it’ll be fun.”

* * *

“dammit,”

hajime grunted as he sat down on the pavement in some dark alleyway. a bottle in one hand, and a cigarette between his fingers on the other hand. he takes another sip, exhaling as he sat there against the wall of some building. it was dark, but there were led lights hanging around that gave enough light for him to see his surroundings at least. 

satori and wakatoshi had headed home early from some party the three attended that night, leaving hajime alone there. about one am, hajime left and stumbled his way home, only to find himself sitting on the ground in a dark alleyway at almost three am. his beer was almost out, and he was smoking his last cigarette. 

it had now been three years since his first year at college with wakatoshi and satori. the three had become close, but that night was for the celebration of satori’s new job in paris, which he will be starting in just the next week. wakatoshi was going with him, meaning hajime will be all alone again. but, maybe he liked being alone. 

he felt absolutely awful, and he was sure his hangover would be even worse. his head was pounding – this night resembled too much of the night he left tooru behind, like he meant nothing to the older, when he really meant everything – but hajime was blind to that fact.

nothing seemed to matter anymore. nothing. he felt nothing.

“hey, are you okay?”

his heart stopped.

hajime looked up and saw a figure standing there next to him, their body was shadowed so he couldn’t really see who it was, but they reached their hand out, “let me help you up.”

hajime hesitated, but he grabbed their hand and stood up off the cold, and wet ground. 

“so is there a reason you were sitting here by yourself with a bottle of whiskey and a half smoked cigarette?” it was feminine voice, and they sounded nice. at least nice enough to help.

hajime shrugged, “no, not really. just alone and chilling.” he joked, and the other walked to the sidewalk next to the road in the large city they both stood in at three in the morning. the lit up streets now shined on the other, revealing it was a woman, young and beautiful, and familiar.

he turned to the girl, and creased his eyebrows. “you look familiar,” he admitted.

the girl laughed, “you’re hajime iwaizumi, right?” she quirked her eyebrow at him.

the male’s cheeks go red, “y-yes, i am.”

she giggles, “i’m ayame,” she turns around and bowed to him, “i helped you back then in middle school when you had that anxiety attack.” 

hajime blinked a couple times. it was her. the girl who helped him.

“w-wow, i can’t believe i didn’t recognize you.” he was being honest. she wasn’t chubby like she was before in middle school – she was now slim, but still had some meat on her bones. she looked beautiful, wore skinny jeans with a nice t-shirt and a black trench coat on top of it. while hajime was wearing a leather jacket and jeans with a white t-shirt that had godzilla on it. 

“it’s fine,” ayame smiled, “and i’m sure you’re drunk off your ass, right?” 

she was blunt, but her caring personality hadn’t changed one bit.

hajime nodded, “very,” he reached his arm out to lean on somewhere but found himself falling to the ground like some character in a cartoon or sitcom.

ayame groaned, facepalming. “jesus christ– here we go.” 

after maybe thirty minutes of ayame helping hajime walk to her place, hajime was already almost passing out, even though he was literally walking. hajime looked up, and with half-lidded eyes, he saw a house. it was a small, cottage-like house. it was dark, though he could still see the sage green painted house. it was ayame’s house.

she unlocked the door and helped hajime in, sitting him on the couch. 

“i’ll get you some coffee,” ayame whispered to him before heading into the other room, which he figured was the kitchen. hajime looked around, his head still pounding like crazy.

she had a nice house, the walls were decorated with framed photos and fake vines. there were a lot of plants and her entire house was a vibe. it was cottagecore, he’s heard that term once before. 

ayame – that name. it meant iris. she was beautiful like an iris, and he never knew her name until this night, ten years after middle school where they first met in that school hallway.

though, he couldn’t think too much about her. he had a girlfriend, wakumi, who was almost nothing like ayame. he laughed just thinking about it.

instead of falling in love with an angel, he fell in love with a devil, a hot, gorgeous, yet shy around others devil who could pull his strings any time she wanted to. while ayame was the sweetest girl around. he didn’t regret falling in love with wakumi, but he did regret not getting to know ayame more.

hajime looked over, and saw a box labeled ‘plants’ and he felt odd.

footsteps began to approach as ayame walked in with his cup of coffee. “here you go,” ayame gently handed him his cup, “careful, it’s still hot.”

hajime took a sip, and looked at ayame who sat down on the chair facing the couch where he sat. “so, are you moving?” he glanced at the cardboard box.

“oh,” ayame chuckled, “i am, actually,” she then put out her hand, and hajime’s eyes go big as they met a diamond ring on her ring finger, “i actually got married a couple weeks ago, so i’m moving out of here and in with my husband,” then she sighed, “but i can’t move out until i sell the place.” her lips curved into a frown, and then hajime perked his head up.

“i-i could b-buy it.” _are you serious, hajime?!_

ayame gasped, “really? you’d actually do that?” she became so happy, he couldn’t back out now.

“yeah,” hajime nodded, “i’ll buy it.”

even though he had a girlfriend back at the dormitories and soon his two best friends were leaving for paris, he just wanted to do anything. 

just to see the smile on her face.

* * *

**part seven: “the reunion”**

hajime set his mug onto the counter as he opened the fridge to get an apple out. it was now after graduation from college. he was now working as a physical trainer, at the ripe age of twenty seven. satori and wakatoshi had moved to paris officially six years ago, when they were all just twenty one years old. he still kept in touch daily with the two, and soon found out that the two had become official. it was cute, really. 

as for hajime, things have been pretty decent. he moved into ayame’s old place about a month after that night the two reunited (when hajime was almost black out drunk), and ever since, the two became close and talked almost everyday. he even became her daughter’s uncle.

but even though he became close with the woman, he had never met the husband, though ayame claimed he was a good guy, but he mainly worked abroad for his law profession.

but now, just a month before he turns twenty eight, he was now going to ayame’s house for the ten year high school reunion, not even realizing he had gone to the same high school as her until just recently.

he parked his car in the driveway, and it seemed by the amount of cars already here that he was probably one of the last ones to arrive. he got out of his car and locked it, heading to the front door of ayame’s new house.

it was two stories plus a basement, and it basically made her and her family look as rich as some white folk in beverly hills, california. it was totally different than her old house, the one hajime now lived in, but she still managed to decorate it the same.

he knocked on the door and soon the door opened to reveal ayame. she smiled brightly and hugged him, “oh good! you’re finally here!” she said cheerfully, “what took you so long, eh?”

hajime laughed, “just trying to figure whether i wanted to come here or not,” he teased, earning a slight punch from the woman, which caused him to hiss and rub the spot where she had punched, “ow! you have that crazy pregnancy strength now, you can’t keep punching me.”

ayame was about three months pregnant with her second child, and luckily the friend who hajime and ayame share told him that she’s much better than how she was in her first pregnancy when she had her young, now five year old daughter, etsuko. 

“hey,” ayame looked around him, “where’s wakumi?” she asked, and hajime sighed.

“she couldn't come.” hajime replied, “she had work to catch up on,” and ayame nodded her head.

wakumi was hajime’s girlfriend who he had been dating since about a year before satori and wakatoshi left for paris. she was nice, badass and could be a total bitch, but she was hardworking and independent. she could live without hajime, and she made sure he knew that every time they argued.

the woman pulled hajime by his sleeve and brought him into the other room where everyone else seemed to be. “babe!” she called out for what seemed to be her husband – who hajime was apparently about to meet – and soon they approached a man who’s back faced them. “babe, this is my friend i was telling you about. the one from middle school.”

the man turned around, and hajime felt his stomach twist staring at the taller male.

the male, well, he felt the same exact way.

ayame raised her eyebrow, “why are you two both extremely silent and now really pale?”

at least she was observant.

hajime gulped, “a-ayame, we already know each other.” and the woman tilted her head.

“yes, darling,” the male cleared his throat, “he’s my former best friend.”

ayame stepped back, “wait, wait, wait,” she said, “you– you’re the one who dropped my husband out of nowhere?” she pointed to hajime, then pointed to her husband, “and you didn’t go after him and let him grow up to be an alcoholic smoker?!” she lightly shoved her husband, who she seemed to be weirdly more angry at than at hajime.

the male sighed, “it was a long time ago,” he said, “though i’d like to put it all behind us and start anew, right where he left off,” and he clicked his tongue, “well, without the fighting.”

hajime smiled and reached his hand out, “sure thing,”

the male shook his hand, but gasped when–

“tooru,”

and the taller male smirked.

just like old times.

* * *

“i don’t get it.”

“don’t get what?”

hajime turned to tooru as the two sat on the taller male’s roof, drinking beers and watching the stars, even though ayame had warned tooru about hajime’s drinking problem. it was a warm night, but hajime didn’t think that was weird at all. he didn’t have even a quick thought about it. he ignored everything else as he sat with his friend. tooru oikawa.

the only person who mattered.

“how can you just forgive me like that? so quickly.” hajime couldn’t wrap his head around it, it was like he was going crazy.

tooru let out a quick sigh, “i have no right to be mad at you. i made mistakes that i should’ve apologized for. my remarks about your father, your mother, those mean words i said and yet i showed no remorse for my closest friend,” _did he become a poet since they last talked or something?_ “but i’m ready to make things right now, if you’d like to.”

hajime nods his head, “hell yeah.”

tooru then turns his head to look at the stars in the black sky. sitting with him like this warmed hajime’s heart. he was glad to be with tooru again, after all these years, finally again. no arguments, no tension.

it was like nothing had ever happened. but the thought of what really happened haunted hajime – he couldn’t stop thinking about how he let tooru down.

“you think my mom’s up there?”

hajime turned to him with saddening eyes. a couple years back, he had gotten a text from wakatoshi that apparently tooru’s mother had died. he felt bad and wanted to reach out, but he chickened out and stayed away, thinking that staying away was what was best for tooru. when it was the complete opposite.

“of course she is,” hajime shuddered, though tooru didn’t seem to notice, “she was a good soul, i’m sure she’s watching you from above.”

but tooru scoffed.

“maybe,” he said, “though the way she treated me and how she drove my father straight out of the picture, i’m not sure she’s up there.” 

hajime’s eyes grow large. 

that’s when he knew.

_“hey, where’d you get that bruise?”_

_hajime asked as he reached over to point to a bruise on tooru’s arm, but the other boy jerked his arm back and looked at him with an uneven expression. those puppy-like eyes of his were staring at him._

_he looked . . . scared . . . ?_

_“o-oh, i just tripped when i was practicing my serves.” tooru told him, “i forgot to tie my damn shoe laces,” and hajime nodded, not even giving it one thought about how tooru’s shoes didn’t have laces._

those bruises, the saddened puppy-like eyes tooru would have on some days, they weren’t from exhaustion or from practice. they were from his mom.

those rules she mentioned on the day they first met – she was a strict woman who hurt her own son.

he was hurting, and hid it almost too well.

“tooru, did she hurt you?” hajime leaned forward in his seat, his hands gripped the arms of his chair. tooru stared off somewhere else, avoiding eye contact with his friend.

“even if she did, it wouldn’t matter.”

he was right, she was gone and that was all in the past, but it still made hajime feel bad for him.

hajime cleared his throat, “i know it’s late and that we’re close to getting really drunk,” tooru turned to look at him, “but could we convince ayame to take us somewhere?”

tooru raised his eyebrow, “what do you have in mind?”

* * *

“please don’t make me take you two home.”

“don’t worry, ayame!” hajime told her, “we got this in the bag!” and with a swift turn, he raises the net and caught some fireflies to put them in a mason jar. 

the net was long and brown, with a white net at the end. it was what tooru had got him for his sixth birthday all those years ago. the only thing he kept.

tooru had one of his own and he caught some fireflies, but every little bit of time that passed by, he’d let the fireflies go and fly freely. even if he was cocky and full of himself all the time, he was still a kind soul.

hajime stopped once and watched as tooru let the fireflies go. “be free, little ones,” he spoke softly to the little bugs as they flew in the wind. he was gentle, despite his self-centered attitude.

ever since they were young, he tried and tried and tried to be as good as the other. he was constantly told he wasn’t good enough, and yet he ignored them and thrived to be the greatest, even if he really did take those insults to heart.

hajime was never like tooru.

he had that natural talent in volleyball tooru tried so hard to have. and it hurt him so bad to hear that tooru quit volleyball and became a lawyer because he lost his reason to play; hajime iwaizumi. 

“hey, iwa-chan,” hajime perked his head up, “you wanna head back now?”

hajime gave him a short nod, “sure,” and they headed back to the car where ayame sat in the driver’s seat, resting a bit in the comfy seat inside of the car instead of outside in the dark like her husband and her friend. the two got back into the car, hajime pretty much threw himself into the backseat, but made sure to get buckled so ayame wouldn’t scold him. tooru got into the passenger seat, buckling up before he leaned over and pecked his wife on the lips.

hajime watched in silence, but he felt happy. he had his best friend back, it was really like nothing had ever happened. he really hoped nothing would tear them apart again.

ayame started the car and began to drive back home where hajime would stay over because he was a bit too tipsy to drive his own car home, and plus it was better than calling a cab and going home alone after he spent most of the night with his best friends.

hajime was happy, and that stupid nickname – “iwa-chan.”

oh, how he missed it.

* * *

“ah, come on, let’s go. it’ll be fun.”

tooru shook his head, “it’s nascar, an abomination to all sports. it is literally cars making a left turn every few seconds just to see who can drive the fastest. it makes no sense.”

hajime groaned, “you owe me.”

tooru guffawed, “bullshit! what do i owe you for?” he uncrossed his arms, placing his hands on his thighs. 

“for making me go to school everyday since first grade.” hajime stood there proudly with his hands on his hips and widespread feet, similar to how tooru stood that day at his window on the day back from christmas break.

tooru furrowed his eyebrows.

“you frustrate me, iwa-chan.” he stood up from the couch, and he looked over to his wife and daughter. “you think we could take etsuko?”

hajime looked over to his best friend’s daughter for a moment. the girl was wearing an overall dress that was blue and yellow. it was adorable, made for someone just her size. her shoes were round and small, the same colors as her dress, too.

he turned back to tooru, “of course, we can.”

after about an hour of driving, they finally arrived at the nascar speedway race arena. etsuko held onto her father’s hand as she skipped along with them while they walked towards the entrance of the arena. hajime walked on the other side of etsuko, and suddenly she grabbed his hand, too, causing hajime to widen his eyes, but go with it.

etsuko was an adorable little girl, a social butterfly. she was the perfect combination of tooru and ayame, and she seemed to be growing close with hajime. tooru glanced over to him and smiled, “i think she likes you, uncle hajime.”

hajime makes an offended noise, “please don’t say that like that again.”

tooru just laughed.

they gave their tickets to the guard at the entrance and entered the arena, heading up the stairs and taking their seats before the race began. they stood up to see better, and etsuko stood in between the two older men, but she tugged on hajime’s shirt instead of tooru’s.

hajime looked down, tilting his head at her, “what’s up, pal?”

tooru furrowed his eyebrows at his best friend, “pal?” he muttered.

etsuko kept tugging on his sleeve, “i c-can’t see.” she said quietly.

hajime bends down a bit and places his hands underneath her arms, picking her up and holding her up so she can see the race. the race soon began and everyone began to cheer and shout for their favorite racers and their cars. the sun was bright, but tooru had given etsuko his sunglasses so the sun wouldn’t bother her too much, though tooru hated the sun. 

hajime glanced over at tooru, still holding etsuko up in his arms, and he smiled, seeing how happy tooru was as he watched the race, even if he didn’t want to go in the first place. he felt good. tooru and him were best friends again, he was becoming one of tooru’s family as well, and hajime felt better than ever.

everything was good.

it was all good.

* * *

“i’ll see you tomorrow,”

hajime grabbed his jacket and headed out of the building. it was just a normal day at his job as a personal trainer at some gym in miyagi, japan. it was getting cold now, winter was upon them. it had been about six months since the reunion, and now about two months since the nascar race they went to. it was really like nothing ever happened. hajime couldn’t believe it.

though, tooru hadn’t really left the house lately. he had came down with a bad cold when he made the stupid decision to walk outside in the cold without a jacket. it worried hajime a bit.

hajime unlocked his car and opened the door, but then he was stopped.

“iwaizumi?”

hajime shot his head up and saw a familiar face standing there. it was matsukawa issei, one of his teammates from the volleyball team at aoba johsai. he was this tall muscular yet thin guy who was careless and didn’t care about much. it sucked that hajime was still shorter than matsukawa after all these years, and the same went for tooru.

“matsukawa, hey,” hajime let out a chuckle, “i haven’t seen you since graduation.”

issei laughed, hugging the shorter, “yeah, man,” he pulled back from the hug, “not gonna lie, you haven’t changed much. i think you’re still short.”

hajime glared at him, “oh shut up, matsukawa.” he grumbled.

“so, iwa,” matsukawa clicked his tongue, “how’s life, eh? i hear you’re a personal trainer here now.” he sits against hajime’s car hood, though it ticked hajime off a bit.

“yeah, i work right there,” he points to the gym at this large market, “you work around here?” but issei shakes his head.

“nah, i work down the street at a funeral home.”

hajime chortled, “you– you work at a funeral home?”

issei got offended, “hey at least i’m not hanamaki! he’s unemployed!” he exclaimed at hajime, causing the other to roar with laughter. “whatever, you still in contact with oikawa?”

hajime smiled, “yeah, actually. we became friends again a few months ago, and we haven’t spent a day apart since. he’s trying to convince me to move in with them, but i like my house and where it’s at. it’s closer to my job here at the gym and it helps with gas mileage.”

“them?” issei questioned, “he’s got a family?”

“yeah, a wife and a daughter, plus one on the way, too.” 

issei chuckled, “wow, he’s a whole family man now.” he honestly couldn’t believe it, but hajime couldn’t really either. tooru was a husband and a father at age twenty eight, let alone a lawyer who worked abroad for a couple years.che was successful. more successful than the entire high school team, though it really sucked that he quit volleyball.

“call me later,” issei handed him a business card – literally of the funeral home he worked at – and waved before walking away into the large market where hajime had just come from.

hajime smiled. he was so smiley lately – he just couldn’t figure out why.

* * *

**part eight: “oikawa’s cold”**

as for tooru, his cold was still there and it was getting worse. he was constantly coughing, his throat was dry but his nose was almost never running. it was strange. hajime was spending almost every night at their house now, worried about his best friend, though tooru reassured him that he was okay and that hajime had nothing to worry about.

“will you just take it?”

“no!” tooru shook his head, hiding his mouth behind his collar that he had pulled up so hajime wouldn’t force feed him his cold medicine. 

hajime groaned, “quit acting like a damn–  _ darn  _ child,” he corrects himself as he remembers etsuko was near, playing with her newborn brother, tiru. he looked a lot like tooru, prompts that their names were similar, but he had the twinkle in his eyes like ayame.

tooru shakes his head, “i’m not taking that,” his voice was muffled behind his shirt. 

hajime growled, “oikawa tooru, take this medicine right now or so help me god–”

ayame picked up tiru and walked into the other room with etsuko holding her hand, whispering to them, “i think we need to leave the room before it gets messy in there.”

hajime sighs, sitting back with a huff. “fine, i give up,” and tooru smiled beneath his shirt collar that covered half his face. hajime turns and looks off somewhere, then he gasps, “what the fuck is that?!” he points at the ceiling – nothing is there.

tooru practically jumps forward, gasping, “where?!” and hajime sticks the spoon of medicine into his opened mouth with a great big grin on his face as tooru swallowed the medicine and audibly gagged at the taste of it. “god, that was terrible – you owe me for that.”

hajime chuckles, “no i don’t, i could’ve saved your life by giving you that cold medicine.”

tooru creased his eyebrows, “you think i’d die from just a cold?  _ pfft _ , please.”

hajime stood up and rubbed tooru’s head before heading into the kitchen where ayame and the kids were. she was now breastfeeding tiru in the other room while etsuko sat at the dinner table and colored in one of her coloring books about ponies and rainbows. 

he stepped over to her, “how’s my favorite little bug doing, eh?” he rubbed her own head like he did to tooru, and etsuko glanced up at him for a moment.

“fine, i’m just coloring.” she sounded sad.

hajime sat across from her at the table, taking the coloring book to look at what she was coloring. it was a white unicorn with teal hair with its horn sparkling with yellow stars. “wow, this looks great, etsuko! you’ve got some talent there!” he tells her.

etsuko was still looking sad, but then she spoke. “is daddy sick?”

hajime raised his eyebrow, “huh? – no, of course not. he’s just a little cold, but soon, he’ll be better than ever and we’ll take you everywhere you’d like to go. how’s that sound?” and she glowed with glee. it didn’t take much to make her happy, as she was a little girl.

“hajime,” 

_ what was with people always calling his name– _

he looked up from etsuko and saw ayame standing there now.

“could i speak with you for a moment?”

hajime nods and gets up from the table, heading into the other room with ayame as she holds her newborn baby in her arms. 

she starts off a bit sternly, “alright, look. i think we need to take tooru to the doctor.”

hajime uncrossed his arms, “why? you think he’s that sick?”

ayame sighs, “i’m going on a trip soon to visit my parents in tokyo. it’ll be about a three day trip, but i need you to stay here and take care of tooru while i’m gone. i’ll be taking tiru with me, but i can take etsuko with me as well if you’d like. i just need you to stay here with tooru.”

“o-of course,” said hajime, “should i take him to the doctor while you’re there?”

“it’ll be easier to, yes,” ayame nodded, “i leave tonight so please take him as soon as you can. i just can’t bare to see him sick like this. it’s been two months, hajime.” her voice was breaking, you could hear the worry in her voice. she was worried about her husband. she couldn’t lose him, and hajime couldn’t lose his best friend again. 

“i can do it,” he patted her shoulder, “don’t worry.”

* * *

that night, ayame and tiru left for tokyo. hajime wished them a safe trip and headed back inside the house as the taxi to the airport drove away. tooru was already passed out on the couch, bundled up in a soft comforter that hajime usually used when he stayed the night there. 

but, etsuko was still awake, hand in hand with hajime as they walked back into the house. she was getting tired though, so hajime picked her up and took her upstairs to lay her down on her butterfly patterned bed. 

he made his way upstairs, etsuko’s head lied on his shoulder, and he entered her room. there were fairy lights hung around the room, they lit up the room nicely. the room was clean, similar to tooru’s room back at his mom’s apartment. just thinking about the things tooru went through all alone with no one by his side for so many years, it made hajime’s heart ache. 

hajime laid etsuko on her bed, covering her up with her blanket and tucking her in, as if he was her father – though her actual father was fast asleep on the living room couch. he brushes her hand out of her face and quietly steps away, heading out of the room, but then a soft voice spoke, and he turned back around. it was dark in the room now, hajime had already flipped the light switch for the fairy lights so the only light was the light coming from the open doorway to her bedroom. hajime turned his body, and found etsuko sitting up, staring at him.

“is my daddy going to get better?”

hajime nodded with a small smile curved on his lips, “of course, he is. now head to bed, sweetheart. i’ll see you in the morning.” 

he closed the door behind him after etsuko laid back down on her butterfly patterned bed. he gripped the doorknob still, exhaling largely as he stood there. he really wished he was right that tooru would get better and be alright.

the spiky haired male headed back downstairs, passing by the couch that tooru was sleeping on, but like his daughter, he sat up and stared at his lap and spoke.

“i went to the doctor yesterday,” said tooru, catching hajime off guard and scaring him half to death. hajime turned around and looked at the taller male with creased eyebrows.

“y-you did?” hajime stuttered, “while i was at work?”

he knew ayame had taken a nap yesterday around noon when tiru fell asleep and took his own nap, so tooru must have left then and went to the doctor’s himself.

tooru nodded, “yes.” from his tone and the way he was postured, hajime could tell tooru knew what he had, and how bad it was, too.

hajime lowered his head, “so what is it then?”

“sickle cell anemia,” tooru took barely any hesitation to answer hajime’s question.

“is it curable?”

tooru stayed quiet.

“oikawa, is it curable?”

he was still quiet.

“tooru– answer me, dammit!” hajime hit the wall beside him out of anger and frustration. tooru flinched. “i just,” he calmed down a bit, “i just want to know if you’re going to be okay.”

“for children, the survival rate ranges about 94%.” tooru said in a low, husky voice, “for adults, most don’t make it past 44 years of age.”

“you’re only twenty eight, oikawa.”

“about one in six deaths by sickle cell anemia is of someone around the age of twenty five, then again, sickle cell anemia,” the pain in his voice when he said that disease’s name was impeccable, hajime could hear it so clearly, “you can die out of nowhere with this disease.”

he sounded so scared, petrified. he didn’t want to die. 

“o-oikawa . . .”

“the doctor said i won’t last a year.”

hajime’s heart shattered into a million pieces.

“in about a month, the doctor wants me to come live at the hospital so he can monitor my health and condition and keep me alive as long as possible, but,” he was shaking as he turned to look at hajime now, tears falling down his rosy cheeks, “i don’t want to die, iwa-chan.”

he stepped over to the back of the couch, grabbing tooru’s shirt and pulling him up so he could hug him as tight as he could at that moment even if he felt so weak. 

“you’re not going to, tooru,” hajime told him, “i won’t let you.”

* * *

two months went by, tooru was now living at the hospital.

the room had pure white walls with weird paintings hanging around, though each one seemed more depressing than the last, but the room was decorated enough where it felt like home to tooru, even though he was really somewhere far from home.

he was forced to wear a hospital gown for the first couple weeks, but the doctors finally gave in and let him wear his own clothes – since he’ll be living there for a while.

hajime spent the last two months trying to stay calm while his best friend is dying right there in front of him. he couldn’t go to work, he barely paid any attention to his girlfriend anymore, he was losing his mind. his mind was racing 24/7, he couldn’t make it stop.

he sat there on the sofa in tooru’s hospital room, it smelled like hot cocoa from the candle warmer that was plugged in on the end table just right by the sofa hajime was sitting on. it smelt good, but he worried that the smell was causing tooru to think about his real home too much. hajime glanced over and saw ayame enter with tiru in her arms and etsuko by her side.

despite ignoring his girlfriend and trying to figure out how to cope with all of this, hajime also couldn’t stop thinking about ayame, and how she was handling all this. she seemed so calm, so collected. it was as if this had happened before, and she was prepared for it this time.

that wasn’t even the most concerning thought he’s had over the last two months.

all he could think about how tooru was dying. his best friend was sick, soon to be on his death bed at any time, his death could be so sudden and unexpected. he despised that.

“hajime, could you,” tooru coughed, “get me a glass of water?”

the shorter male nodded, and stood up, walking over to the bathroom where he grabbed a cup and placed it underneath the faucet, turning the handles and filling the cup with water. he left the bathroom and handed tooru the cup carefully. tooru grabbed it with two hands and tilted it, gulping down the water like he had just come back from exploring the dehydrating dessert.

tooru already had a handful of the symptoms, and hajime had already asked the doctor a million questions about tooru possibly losing his voice, feeling in his limbs, etc. the doctor explained that paralysis in his legs may occur by the third month after being diagnosed, from how the blood cells are breaking apart – which means the blood flow to his legs might give out, and same goes for his arms as well. though, the doctor reassured that tooru’s voice may just become husky and scratchy, it shouldn’t give out entirely. 

“you feeling any better?” ayame asked, standing next to the hospital bed. tooru was now holding tiru in his arms as etsuko sat on the hospital bed next to his legs that were covered by the white bed sheet. 

tooru shrugged, “i feel like shi– crap,” he corrects himself, “but it’s better now that you’re here,” he thin reaches his hand over and squeezes etsuko’s cheek gently, “and you, too, honey.”

etsuko just giggled.

hajime rubbed his hands together, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. he was cold, but it was march. it was supposed to start warming up. 

“hey, hajime,” 

the male perked his head up almost immediately, “what’s up?” he said, though his voice was a bit strained. he was caught off guard. 

tooru tilts his head slightly at him, but then leans over to ayame, whispering something indistinctly to her before she gives him a short nod. her skin was pale, her lips were turned down. her eyebrows were lowered and her nose was wrinkled. she seemed off.

she glances at hajime and says, “hajime, you want something from the cafeteria?” she asks him with an enthusiastic tone. it was like her expression, her mood – it changed completely. 

hajime shook his head, “no, i’m fine. thank you.” 

ayame gave him a short nod with a small, cheeky grin, and she headed out of the room, hand in hand with etsuko as tiru was still in tooru’s arms. 

hajime lowered his head again, letting his thoughts run free in his mind, like they were the cars in a nascar race, going as fast as they possibly could, giving hajime a huge migraine. he didn’t even want to look at tooru – all he could think about was losing him. losing his best friend. the one person he cared about most in this wretched world. 

“what’s wrong?”

hajime jumped slightly from the sudden voice, then he looked up, “huh?” his eyes were closed for a moment, then he looked somewhere in the room – he was avoiding looking at tooru.

tooru was staring at him with shadowed eyes, “you’re acting off.” he states to the older male, “what’s going on, iwa-chan?”

“nothing’s g-going on,” 

“obvious lie–”

“i’m completely fine,” hajime raised his voice, making him sound stern and dominant, in a mean, more ‘stop talking about this’ kind of tone. 

now hajime was looking tooru straight in the eyes, which he didn’t want to do in the first place, but he’s now doing it, and he felt worse than before. the worry and concern in his eyes were so obvious, it was like they were written out in front of him, even spoken to him in his head. he could feel the tension that was filling the space between them.

tooru looked him up and down, and with a huff he spoke, “no, you’re not.”

hajime was beginning to get angry, “don’t tell me what i am and what i am not,” he snapped at him, earning a surprised look from the taller male, “i am fucking fine.”

but, tooru guffawed.

“you really outdo yourself trying to make sure people don’t see the real you that has emotions and mood swings and constant care for the people around him,” tooru took off his glasses with one hand and rubbed them on the sheet that covered his legs, then put his glasses back on his nose, “also, could you refer to not cursing around my newborn?” tooru remarked, “i thought you had manners, iwa-chan.”

hajime stood up, stomping on the cold, hospital floor beneath his feet, causing tooru to gasp. “you don’t ever fucking say that shit again,” hajime said, gritting his teeth. he pointed straight at tooru, keeping himself calm enough to not hit him as he still held tiru in his arms. “i’ve tried my fucking hardest my entire life to be a good person. all my life i’ve been forced to not end up like my father, but everyday, i just become more like him.”

tooru’s eyes danced, he was taken back from hajime’s sudden outburst.

“my dad was a bad person, and i left you behind all those years ago because i thought you were hurting me, when i was really just trying not to end up like my absent dad.” hajime’s voice was choking up, “you don’t get to talk about my manners, my actions, when my life went to hell because of a stupid mindset that wanted to fucking protect you from me.”

hajime let out a quick gasp, taking a step back. there were tears falling down tooru’s face like two rivers. he felt his stomach twist and turn like a balloon animal. 

“hajime–”

“don’t apologize, iwa.”

hajime raised his eyebrows, a little ‘huh’ rolling off his tongue. tooru pats the spot next to his legs on the bed, gesturing for him to walk over to him and sit on the bed, so hajime obliged.

“i understand you didn’t want to end up like your father,” tooru said, moving tiru to lay his head against his other arm, “and i don’t blame you for doing what your mind told you to do.”

hajime lowered his head, biting his lip out of guilt and uncomfortability.

“i never got mad at you for leaving me behind,” said tooru with a coy smile, “i just wish you were open about how you felt, so we could’ve worked it out instead of losing ten years in between that day at the pep rally and the day we reunited at the high school reunion.”

hajime nods, and he goes to change the subject. “did ayame tell you?”

tooru raised his eyebrow, “about . . . wakumi?” he was hesitant to say her name, especially from hajime’s spur of emotions right now. anything could tick him off again at any time. hajime was panting slightly. he was exhausted from his outburst at tooru, but although hajime’s eyes still stared down at his lap, tooru could still see the fury in his eyes. 

“she dumped me the other day,” hajime’s voice was now a bit louder than before, “she claimed i had changed, that i wasn’t myself anymore.”

_ “what are you on about, wakumi?” _

_ “you need to be honest with me,” wakumi demanded at hajime, but hajime furrows his eyebrows at her in confusion. _

_ he tilts his head, “honest with you about what? if this is about my mother–” _

_ “it’s about tooru,” wakumi cut him off, “and how you’ve been acting recently.” _

_ hajime scoffed, shaking his head. “what on earth are you talking about?”  _

_ wakumi slammed her hand down on the counter in front of her as hajime sat on the opposite side, his elbows propped up on the white marble surface.  _

_ “one year ago today, you were the best boyfriend i could’ve asked for,” wakumi shouted at him, “but now you’re an alcoholic on the way to lose his job because his friend is sick.” _

_ hajime felt himself getting angry – he had to contain himself. she didn’t know what happened to tooru, and that he was in the hospital now. _

_ “you’re not yourself anymore.” his girlfriend turned her head, “i can’t do this anymore.” _

_ the male looks up at her with a disgusted expression, “you’re fucking breaking up with me?” he baffled, “are you actually fucking serious?” hajime was known to curse a whole lot more than usual when he’s angry. why was she doing this? how could she? he thought she loved him, but maybe that was just another lie in the carefully woven web of lies he had heard and the pain he had went through, each radial thread was each person in his life, and each viscid thread were the lies and pain that they had gave hajime as if he deserved it. _

_ he believed he did, at least. _

_ “i’m just done being ignored,” wakumi was wearing down now, and she seemed like she just wanted the argument to end – but she brought this upon herself. _

_ hajime scoffed, “ignored? quit the shit, wakumi,” he stood up, pushing the stool away. it hits the floor, the noises of metal hitting a hardwood floor screeches throughout the room, causing wakumi to flinch and blink from the sudden loud noises. “my best friend got diagnosed with sickle cell anemia, an incurable disease. for fuck’s sake– he’s living at the hospital now!” _

_ wakumi flinched again, “w-wait, he’s living in the–” _

_ “god, you’re so fucking selfish!” hajime punched the wall, right through it, creating a hole into the wall. “look,” he grunts, holding his fist and rubbing his now bleeding knuckles, “i know you didn’t know, okay? and i don’t want you to think i’d hit you.” _

_ wakumi stood against the counter behind her, her hands gripping it as she steadied her breathing.  _

_ “i love you, wakumi,” hajime turned to her, “but now i know.” he crinkled his eyes and smiled at her, “it’s simple. we’re just not meant to be.” _

“i think i took the breakup a bit too recklessly at first,” said hajime with a light chuckle after he had just explained how the entire break up went down, “i punched my wall and now there’s a hole, yelled a lot, too, but it’s nice that we decided to stay friends.”

tooru was quiet, a bit taken back from everything that hajime had just told him. he had went from calm to angry to punching holes in walls to suddenly somewhat cocky? tooru couldn’t wrap his pretty little head around it. hajime– he was getting worse.

_ he . . . no, he couldn’t be. right? – no, hajime couldn’t be that. he just couldn’t be. _

hajime shifted his eyes to the floor from his lap, “but i still don’t get it.”

tooru tilted his head.

“why did you,” he looks up to tooru, “forgive someone like me?” 

it was weird how he’d ask something like that almost immediately after tooru was thinking about what hajime was becoming. it was like he could read his mind. odd.

“hajime,” tooru said softly, reaching his hand over to him, and he places his hand on hajime’s face, causing the older’s eyes to grow large and his cheeks heat up, “why wouldn’t i?”

hajime’s eyes were open frozen, his face was pale but his cheeks were rosy and warm. his lips begin to curve into a shaky smile, and his eyes slightly crinkle now.

“you’re too good for me,” said hajime, and after a moment of surprise, tooru smiles back at him, “though, you’re still shittykawa to me.”

“will you stop cursing around my child? he’s four months old!”

“crappy-kawa, then!”

“stop being so vulgar.”

* * *

**part nine: “the third floor”**

a week later, hajime got off of work and headed to the hospital. 

he grabbed his phone from the passenger seat and dialed tooru’s number. pressing the phone to his ear, he listens to the phone ring and ring and ring – but no one answered. odd.

he dialed ayame’s number, but again, no answer. there was no way both of their phones were dead. hajime felt his entire stomach twist, he could feel vomit in the back of his throat. he was hoping something didn’t happen to them. they were at a hospital, nothing bad would have happened, unless something happened to tooru.

soon enough, hajime parked his car and practically ran into the hospital. his heart was racing, he could barely breathe right. the nurses and doctors all turn to him with weird stares and confused expressions. a nurse walks over to him, placing her arms on his shoulders.

“sir, can you hear me?” it was a faint voice, muffled in a way. it was like his ears were clogged up, he could barely hear her. it only made him panic even more.

“i-i have to g-get t-to t-tooru,” he stammered, trying to move past the nurse, but she kept her grip on him. it was his anxiety sparking back up. he couldn’t see right, or even think straight. he just needed to get to tooru.

“sir, please,” but he jerks out of her grip and begins to run down the hallway. 

he runs and runs, then pulls open the door to the staircase and runs up to floor three – where tooru’s room was. he makes it down the hallway in almost an instant, almost slipping as he comes to a stop and goes into tooru’s room. tooru was laying there, pale skin and dark eyebags with a pained expression.

hajime runs up to the bed, his hands moving everywhere on tooru as he panicked. tooru had a stroke, and was barely alive now. hajime began to cry.

“oh my god– tooru! are you okay?”

tooru grunts, “a-ah, hajime, you’re s-so loud.”

hajime sighs in relief, “oh you’re okay,”

_ you’re okay . . . _

* * *

“will you shut up? i am fine, hajime!”

“i don’t care, shittykawa. you’re staying in the wheelchair.”

tooru pouted and crossed his arms, looking away as he scrunched up his nose. hajime pushed the wheelchair as they followed the sidewalk trail throughout the garden in the hospital’s courtyard. 

it had now been three months since tooru’s stroke, and ever since, tooru’s grown better. his voice was completely back, and he was getting feeling in his legs again. he was almost completely healed, it was like a miracle. 

hajime couldn’t be happier, and neither could tooru. 

“quit that pouting, shittykawa,” hajime teased, “you’ll get worry lines before you’re thirty.”

tooru gasps, his jaw dropping as he began to feel up on his forehead, trying to make sure he didn’t have any already. he growled at hajime, “oh shut it, and will you please stop calling me that?”

“alright, how’s a piece of shit sound?” hajime cocked his eyebrow at the other, though the back of his head faced him. 

“fine,” tooru said, “shittykawa then!” 

hajime chuckled, “as you wish.”

tooru looked down at the grass, and had this sour expression on his face. hajime tilted his head.

hajime was now sitting on a bench as tooru sat in his wheelchair just next to him on the bench. 

“what’s wrong with you?”

tooru sniffles, “i can’t see green.”

hajime raised one eyebrow, “huh?” 

_ “one of the symptoms will affect his vision,” the doctor explained to ayame and hajime, “he’ll most likely become color blind.” _

“back in my room, everything’s white so i didn’t really think anything was wrong, even when you all came in where clothes that looked so odd. they were just– blurry. blurry colors,” tooru was beginning to ramble, “all i see is blurry colors. just blurry colors–”

hajime grabbed tooru’s hand, causing him to gasp and turn to hajime with large eyes.

“it’s okay, tooru,” said hajime, “it’ll be okay.”

tooru’s eyes danced. “o-okay.”

moments pass, and they’re both sitting there, admiring the trees and grass around them, even if one couldn’t see nothing but blurs of color.

“i heard your mom passed,”

hajime looked over at tooru who looked elsewhere. he swallowed harshly, “y-yeah, s-she d-did.”

tooru shifts his eyes, “has there already been a funeral?” but hajime shook his head.

“no, we’re waiting a week or two since my sister can’t get any flights here right now.” hajime explained to his friend, and tooru hums.

“ah, i see,” he nods once, “may i attend it?”

hajime gulps, “sure.”

he felt awful, the sudden reminder of his mother’s passing made his heart shrivel up, especially since it came from tooru. he sounded so blunt when he said it. like he had no remorse. tooru was better than that. he thought he was. 

“good,” tooru turned to him with a smile, “i hope i can tell her how much she meant to you.”

hajime’s lips slowly curved into a grin. “thank you, tooru.” 

tooru raises his hand and places it on hajime’s face, getting the same reaction as he did the last time he did this, and his smile got brighter.

“if i leave you, please take care of yourself, okay?”

hajime furrowed his eyebrows, “but you’re not going to leave me, right?” he began to shake, “you’re getting better, tooru. you’re not leaving me, right?”

“no,” tooru shook his head, “but if i did, promise me you’ll take care of yourself, alright?”

hajime’s eyes danced, but he leaned into tooru’s hand gently. “i . . . i promise.”

_ liar _ .

* * *

that night, hajime slept on the hospital bed as tooru slept on his chest, holding onto his shirt gently. ayame had come by early that morning to check on her husband, but just smiled and let the two sleep. 

_ “is this okay?” _

_ young little hajime looked down at him with raised eyebrows, “hm?” he hums, and tooru stares off somewhere as he sniffles from crying so hard just moments before from his mom, though he claimed it was because he tripped and fell and hurt his knee. _

_ “laying on you like this,” tooru said as his little hand clutched the black t-shirt hajime wore, laying on his chest as they stargazed together near the spot they first hung out together at just outside of tooru’s apartment, “is it okay?” _

_ hajime grins, “of course it is.” _

_ and tooru closed his eyes with a smile. _

by eight am, hajime woke up with a large yawn, stretching his arms as much as he could as tooru slept soundly on his chest. he arched his back slightly, then looks down at tooru, his chin to his chest. 

he pokes him, “hey, shittykawa, wake up.”

there was nothing. hajime laughed. must be a heavy sleeper then, though he didn’t used to be during their sleepovers when they were growing up.

“hey, tooru,” he shook him, but then he started to get scared when tooru didn’t move at all.

this was beginning to freak hajime out. it resembled too much of a story he had read before. he knew the title too well,  _ in another life _ .

hajime continued shaking tooru, “hey! why won’t you wake up!?” he raised his voice, and he turned to the heart monitor. 

it was . . . turned off.

“no.”

hajime shook his head, feeling tears form at the corner of his eyes. 

“no, that c-can’t be! it just can’t!” hajime cried out, his grip on tooru tightened. “no! no! tooru! come back please!” he screams out.

by now, nurses had swarmed the bed, and there stood ayame behind them. her hands flew to her mouth, and she began to cry, too. 

“tooru!” hajime choked up, “tooru, please!”

his whole world was crumbling down like a tower of building blocks, like a game of tetris. his heart had already broken into a billion pieces, and he felt so lost. he was never going to hear tooru’s voice again, never get to hear his laugh, his smartass remarks, his stupid jokes, never– he’d never hear him again.

he just lost his best friend. 

he knew he was never going to be the same. and he wasn’t just he’d make it through this life without him again, knowing that he’s gone.

the nurses stood there, and the doctors came in soon as ayame walked out, crying her eyes out. hajime was sobbing, crying out for tooru to wake up when he wasn’t going to. 

at least tooru’s head laid still on his chest.

at least . . . he was at peace.

* * *

**part ten: “the end of us”**

“oikawa tooru was a father and a husband, but most importantly, a friend.”

everyone sat there dressed in black. ayame lightly wiped her tears with a handkerchief, etsuko sat next to her in silence. ayame’s mother decided to stay home with tiru so ayame wouldn’t have to take her young baby boy to the funeral of his father.

the rest of ayame and tooru’s family were there, and even hajime’s, too. even his aunt.

hajime stood at the podium, clearing his throat as he spoke to the people of tooru’s life in front of him.

“he cared for me like a brother, and even though i left him behind all those years ago in high school,” hajime’s breath hitched, “he still forgave me and took me back ten years later. he’s– he’s better than anyone i’ve ever known.” he lowered his head, “he was, at least.”

ayame’s shoulders became droopy. as much as she hated that her husband was gone, she couldn’t imagine the amount of pain hajime was going through.

“i’ll always be thankful for tooru being in my life, being there for me and helping me become a better person. i’ll always love you, tooru.” he looked up at the ceiling, at heaven where tooru was at now; a better place, “i hope you’re watching over your family from up there,” and there were tears streaming down his face, “i love you, shittykawa.” he whispered.

they all watched the casket as it was lowered into the six foot hole in the ground. hajime made sure tooru was buried in his favorite color; teal. a nice teal tie around his neck, laying on his chest as he lie there in that dark brown wooden casket. 

the sky was blue, and there was no rain. it was like tooru made sure to keep the day beautiful on the day of his funeral. it made hajime grin. 

“hajime,”

the burial was over and everyone was heading home, but hajime had stayed behind and watched as the graveyard workers began to bury the casket under the dirt. 

hajime turned and saw his aunt standing there.

“auntie,” hajime let out a small gasp, “do y-you need anything?” he asks, a bit worriedly.

his aunt shook her head, and she smiled at him. he had never seen her smile so sincerely before.

“i just wanted to tell you that,” she patted his shoulder, “i’m proud of you, hajime.” 

she turned away and headed off to her car, and hajime grinned. he felt happy, glad. he knew it was his best friend’s funeral, but it was weird to feel so happy. 

he was really glad tooru was in a better place now. maybe, he’ll see him there in heaven, too.

maybe.

* * *

“thank you, etsuko,” 

the girl giggled after she handed her uncle the bouquet of flowers. hajime, ayame, etsuko, and little toddler tiru all walked hand in hand to the cemetary.

it was their weekend visit to tooru’s grave. something they had all decided to do as a group. they couldn’t go without one missing either. they all had to go together or they won’t go at all.

it was still a beautiful day, even after a couple years since tooru’s death. the wind was low and it was a warm day. just a beautiful day.

hajime let go of etsuko’s hand as she ran to the grave and kneeled down on the ground, “hi daddy!” she waves at the sky, “we brought you flowers this time so don’t think we forgot!” she said cheerfully. 

hajime warmly smiled as the other three approached the little girl. ayame sits down next to her daughter, still holding her now husband’s hand who sat down on the other side of etsuko. tiru sat on hajime’s lap, and ayame made sure not to squish her small, one month along baby bump. 

after a while, etsuko and ayame and little tiru headed back to the car, but hajime stayed after for a bit. as if to have a one-on-one conversation with tooru.

“when i told you to die back in high school,” hajime said a bit lowly, “i promise you that i didn’t mean it, and you know i didn’t. i know it hurt you, and i know i’ve hurt you plenty.” he sighed, “i’m taking care of them for you, and i know i married ayame, but i hope you forgive me. it just really hurt me to see her struggle and become a single mother so suddenly.” 

hajime looked up at the sky, and smiled, one single tear fell down his cheek.

“just know i’ll never stop coming here to see you, okay?” hajime then stood up from the ground, and continued to look up at the sky. 

tooru was gone, and has been for two years now. but he’s made sure to keep tooru’s promise. he was taking care of himself, and his family that he both left behind when he passed away. 

but hajime was happy. 

tooru was in a better place, no longer in pain. 

no longer in blurs of color.

hajime grinned.

“i’ll see you up there someday, shittykawa.”

**Author's Note:**

> that’s the end of it! i hope you enjoyed it! i know it’s not the best one out there, but even with a hard, tight schedule like i have, i still tried my hardest to finish this for you all. love you guys!
> 
> also: please do not romanticize this story. it is meant to be a hurtful story of a boy who lost his best friend to an incurable illness. 
> 
> please, and thank you.


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